Andy the Elf
By John Meehan
To whom it may concern…which is you Santa. I write this letter of with a heavy heart. This letter will serve as my two notice of resignation.
I Andy The Elf will be forever grateful for the opportunity you gave me to work in Santa’s workshop. Which is your workshop. 70 years ago you took a chance on a rough around the edges Elf. It was magical as I started my Elf career. However I feel that magic has faded away.
At first it was exciting to work every day of the year with only one day day off. All the candy, sodas and laughter anyone can have. But before I knew it, I substituted the sugar and caffeine with cocaine. Which you seemed to like…a lot! I realized that’s why your cheeks are always rosy.
Santa I can’t continue this behavior anymore. My sponsor at rehab identified how toxic the work environment is. I mean, the usual work day would start with coffee, sweets and candy. When the sun would set is when the drugs and wild behavior would start.
Everyone doing rails of cocaine in both nostrils followed by shots of whiskey. Eric The Elf thought it was funny shooting his screw gun at me. Santa screws hurt! Well the screws Eric was giving out hurt. Then the heavy drugs pulled us all apart including Emily TheElf whom I had a relationship with.
Emily started stripping for the other elves to get back at me for cheating on her with Rebeka The Elf. The I heard Emily was rehearsing a special dance for you. This is where I draw the line Santa. I feel for my health it’s best I resign and leave the North Pole for the foreseeable future.Take care and thank you.
Andy The Elf
P.S. I’m deeply sorry for sleeping with Mrs. Claus